That’s
not something you hear too often.
Let
me tell you why men have a hard time, too. Tough to swallow, but stay with me.
I’ll
start with a question: what does it mean to be a man in today’s society?
Well,
that has as many different answers to it as there are blades of grass in my
front yard. Society, with its limited scope of knowledge about men’s roles would
have us believe that men are to be strong,
invulnerable, sexually crazed, rich beings. Society wants men to be hard
bodied, hard-hearted, and fervent workers.
Movie
industries don’t really capitalize on soft-hearted, vulnerable, real men. Look at the majority of action
flicks. Jason Statham’s characters are perfect examples. Bad acting aside,
Statham is the perfect example of a powerful man. He is stoic, hard-bodied, and
not afraid of anything. He doles out bullets like rice at a wedding. Yet, despite
his unbuttoned shirt displaying his hard and bloody chest, his gun in hand, and
classic one-liners, he is a shallow and empty man (in his movies. I can’t speak
to him in real life…maybe he is a nice guy?) Sure, he probably has sex every
ten minutes and most men aspire to be like him in some fashion. Because that is
what they are taught (constantly) a real man should be. These are the movies
that our boys and men are watching and they are subsequently expected to be
that kind of man. When the media is so pervasive that men can’t be anything but
what is portrayed in movies, what options are we left with to take?
Not
a lot of options, that’s what. Again, I reiterate: it’s hard out there for men,
too.
To
make matters worse, men are denied services in a lot of different areas, one in
particular being mental health. As a worker in mental health, it makes me sad
to say that even mental health professionals are often ill-equipped to deal
with men’s issues. Classic textbooks would have you know that “women experience
depression more often than men.” I call bullshit. Men experience it the same
(if not more) than women, it just manifests differently. But, mental health
professionals are ill-equipped to help men cope with their issues. Let me add
some further fuel to the fire. Research shows that the dominant male ideal
(read: Jason Statham) causes men NOT to seek
help for their issues. What a shitty situation, right? Men who ascribe to
that dominant identity of what men “should” be are less likely to seek help for
the issues they are struggling with. How messed up is that? The very thing that men need help with is
the thing stopping them from getting help. Ah, mental health issues are cunning
in nature, and insidious in their development.
It
hasn’t been until recently that researchers have begun to examine specific men’s issues in counseling.
The
(empirical) research I have read confirms one thing for me: men who ascribe to
the typical male stereotype (read: invulnerability, anger, toughness, bravado)
are only hurting themselves. These men are more likely to abuse substances,
ascribe to traditional gender roles that lead to oppression of less dominant
ideals, and be more depressed and angry. Many of those things are cause for
mental health issues. Interestingly, there is intragroup oppression going on.
Men who do not ascribe to those
traditional roles are seen as less manly or more feminine in nature due to
being different. That, too, is a cause for mental health issues to arise. When
people are being discriminated against for their very personhood, how is one
not to feel anxious or depressed?
On
that note, let me pose another question? What is a good man? That question, for whatever reason is not as easy to
answer as the previous question. Media has been shoved down our throats since
we were ambulatory. But, what is the other end of that spectrum? What is a good
man?
Spoiler Alert: I recognize that this is entirely my opinion. When there is research
supporting this, trust me, you will be the first to know. A good man is one who
embraces his masculinity and uses it to further the cause of other people.
Those other people can be anybody.
The others can be his family, his children, his close friends, the players on
his team, the congregation of his church, his clients, his co-workers, random
people on the street, etc., etc. A good man is not one that has to be ashamed
of his male-ness nor uses his male-ness to dominate and destroy others.
Jackson
Katz, a leader in the field of gender violence, said something in his
documentary that has stuck with me for a long time: dominance only remains
dominant when it remains unexamined. With
that little nugget of knowledge, here is my challenge to you, my brothers:
reject the story society wants you to believe. Call bullshit on the typical
male stereotype. I encourage you to embrace being vulnerable. Trust me, I have
lost my fair share of people for being callous and uncaring. It is not worth
it. Your partner needs you to be strong. Ah, but that’s the catch. Not strong
in the way you may be thinking. I challenge you to embrace a different
definition of strength. I have been shown, time and time again, that being
vulnerable, truly being vulnerable, is the source of TRUE strength. Allowing
yourself to feel real emotions and realize what real intimacy is takes much
bigger balls than what holding things in and being angry all the time does.
Yeah, that’s hard to believe when the media and (sorry to say it) even women
are telling you to be something else. And,
the only way we are going to be happy as a species of men is to embrace our
vulnerability. Reach out to a fellow brother for help. Look your wife in the
eyes and tell her that you love her. Play dress up with your daughter (just
like the Doritos commercial). Dance in the driveway with her. This is what
being a man all is about. Write your own damn story about what being a good man
is about. There doesn’t have to be one concrete or correct (whatever that
means) answer. There as many definitions for what a good man is as there are blades
of grass in my front lawn (see what I did there?).
What
is yours? Explore that with someone. Be vulnerable
(read: strong!) enough to share that journey with someone else. This can be
anyone; a trusted brother, a mentor, a co-worker, your wife, whoever. The
choice is yours.
Women,
we (I use “we” loosely, as I identify as a man) have got to stop endorsing this
male archetype of invulnerability, callousness, and disinterest. Sure, that man
may be sexy. Sure, he may lace his words with honey in an attempt to get in
your pants. That can easily be mistaken for genuine sensitivity. For some of
those men, maybe it is. For the rest of the men in the world, try to facilitate
a safe space for him to be who he truly is. It’s hard enough for men to be men
when they are being judged by their very own species. They likely don’t need it
from women, too (or any person in the gender spectrum, for that matter, as I
recognize I have been working the gender binary so far). Ladies, allow them to
be who they are and do not judge them. Ladies, tell your man that you love him.
Tell him that you want to know what is in his heart. Tell him that you are
proud of him for opening up to you. Tell him that you, too, reject that false
story society wants us to believe. Facilitate that safe-space for him to talk
about his issues. Remember, truly strong is the man that can be one with and
express his emotions. Presence is something we all too often miss out on this
fast-paced world.
As
Aristotle once said: “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Knowing
your emotions and being one with and expressing them is part of knowing
yourself truly and wholly.
This is my call to arms for you: let us write a new
story for what it means to be good men and women in this world. Let us allow
ourselves to be human for once.
Be well, brothers and sisters.
