Why Hitting on People in Everyday Spaces is Not Okay
*Hetero perspective*
Women don't dress for men. We dress for ourselves. We wear makeup for ourselves. Because we want to feel confident and look well when we check ourselves out in the mirror. When I get dressed in the morning, I look in my closet and think about what I want to look like for the day.
Men don't cross my mind once.
I know I'm not ugly and on a good day, I think I'm cute.
So going out in public is an interesting experience. Many guys look at a woman and if she's attractive, he thinks "She totally wants me to hit on her." No, no we don't. When we go to the store, hit up the gym, grab some dinner, we don't want to be hit on.
Patriarchy has taught men that they own every space. Especially spaces that have masculine stereotypes (the gym!) You don't own spaces and you don't own the people in those spaces. We don't owe you affection just because we are "in your space." When women enter a public space, she is usually doing so for a reason. You know, going to school, getting food, running errands, going to work, or getting exercise. We don't go out into public to get a date.
But at the same time, women are taught, expected, and conditioned to giggle at your flirtations (that really make us uncomfortable) and even give you our number or affection in return. You don't flatter us with your attention. Many times we give you our number because we are terrified of the consequences of not giving you it. You know, violence, harassment, rape. Yeah...
It is worth mentioning that there are women who have been conditioned to think that men's attention is a magical gift and a blessing that is upon them. So when men flirt with them, they are in awe and thankful of your attention. This is another thing we owe to patriarchy. Men are Gods and how lucky to be if they bestow us with their affection.
It is worth mentioning that there are women who have been conditioned to think that men's attention is a magical gift and a blessing that is upon them. So when men flirt with them, they are in awe and thankful of your attention. This is another thing we owe to patriarchy. Men are Gods and how lucky to be if they bestow us with their affection.
I would really like to be able to go about my everyday life without having to deal with advances from men. And I really don't need men to flirt with me to have self-confidence. I'm not flattered by your attention. Like "OMG, a man noticed me! I exist! I matter." No. Women are not worthy only if you recognize us for our outer appearance.
Men feel like they can approach all women and begin hitting on them. However, not all women are straight. So that's another problem. And many of those women are not going to out themselves to try and avoid your advances.
How to Flirt with a Woman in Public
Men feel like they can approach all women and begin hitting on them. However, not all women are straight. So that's another problem. And many of those women are not going to out themselves to try and avoid your advances.
How to Flirt with a Woman in Public
- If she has headphones in, don't bother her.
- Smile at her, if she smiles back, initiate polite conversation.
- If she sounds/looks uncomfortable, respect it.
- Understand that men harm women in public spaces.
- Instead of asking for her phone number, offer to give her your number.
- If she's interested, she'll text you.
- This is less threatening because women get harassed through text frequently.
I totally agree with you Kelsey! Living in South Korea, I find Korean men my age to be a heck of a lot less aggressive than men my age in the States. Random Korean men ask me for my number when I'm out and about but that's because I'm a pretty, young white girl... Catcalling does not happen here which is AWESOME. I have a Korean girl friend who recently saw catcalling in some English TV show and asked me if it's a real thing I was like, unfortunately yes.
ReplyDeleteLast year, I worked for a company in downtown Denver. I had to walk several, several blocks from the bus terminal to my building. The amount of men who felt like it was okay to interrupt me as I walked along, minding my own business, was appalling. I would go out of my way to walk along the 16th street mall because it felt slightly safer. In Korea, I don't worry about this stuff as much. Even if I turn a guy down, they are pretty harmless (but that might be because they are intimidated by my foreignness). Once in a blue moon, a super confident Korean guy on a bus or subway will be obnoxious but I never fear for my life.
And then there are Western men I know in Korea who totally take advantage of Korean girls. It's sick. Korean girls are super flattered when a white guy pays attention to them. Obviously not all white guys take advantage of that but man, I'm learning a lot about white privilege here.
That's amazing that there isn't catcalling in Korea! Wow.
ReplyDeleteAnd how race places into it is fascinating. I think white privilege is often though about in relation to people who are black or Hispanic or Latino/a, so it's interesting to hear about it relating to people who are Asian.