What I Learned in 2014

What I Learned in 2014

Okay, so this is a little early, but I don't really care because I'm gonna be in New York at the end of 2014, and I won't care about my blog. Holllllller.

1) I'm okay being single.

I spent a majority of 2014 in relationships and these last few months have kind of been glorious. I've gotten to know myself better and really focus on me. I'm super awkward, a wannabe hippie, a secret fashion lover, and someone who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. And I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy and I also don't need to be in a relationship to have fun.

2) I love but also hate my body.

Since August, I've lost about 13 lbs, so that's cool. And my body looks so different than a few months ago. And my confidence has been raised. So yay. But I also hate my body because of all its stupid health problems. Like get your act together, body. Stop trying to kill me.

3) Haters gonna hate.

I have some major haters (mostly at work.) I think they hate my peppy attitude and the fact that I don't let them get away with stupid things "just because we've done it like that before." So I've learned to accept that haters gonna hate (and potatoes gonna potate.) I can't do anything about their attitude towards me, so they aren't worth my energy.

4) How to do eyeliner.

This is huge. I finally know how to apply eyeliner and make it look not awful.

5) Men are strange beings.

I knew this before 2014, but I super figured it out this year. Like men will do whatever they want, whenever they want. And most men in their mid-20s have no idea what they want in life. It's super frustrating to be this age and try to date within my own age range because the men my age don't know what they want to do as a career, if they want children, where they want to live. Society tells men that they don't have to decide those things yet but women have to decide very early on. I think mostly because everyone feels like our eggs will be wasted if we don't figure out our lives ASAP.

6) America hates people who aren't 

cisgendered, white, male, straight, Christian, able-bodied, etc.

The most recent election showed me that America really wants to vote people (mostly white men) into office who are anti-choice and pretty much hate people who aren't like them. That's just rude. And then with this Ferguson crap happening, a lot of people are happy with the outcome and that disgusts me. Y'all are mean.

I'm okay with being #ForeverAlone

First, I must acknowledge that my ex recently contacted me, so I'm feeling pretty negative about love, but it's whatever. And I guess overall, I'm feeling very pessimistic about men as a romantic interest. To find a man who supports my anti-kid, career driven self is gonna be rough and I've had little luck so far.  I do want to find that one person who I can spend my life with, but I really don't think that will happen. A lot of men want children and I just can't give them that. So I have few options for my love life. And that's fine.

I know that #ForeverAlone is a thing and it's supposed to be funny, but I got to thinking about it. I'm okay with being #ForeverAlone. Yes, I want to have a husband and be a wife, but I'm fine not being a wife. I'm really happy with myself and feeling super duper confident in my life choices as of right now, so I don't need my identity to depend on someone else. Yeah, it'd be super awesome to share my life with someone, but if it doesn't happen, it's all good.

Putting effort into a relationship is hard, especially when that relationship ends and you have to start the process over again. I put a lot of effort into my relationships, so it's exhausting when it doesn't work out, so again, it's cool if I get to just have a puppy family. Because puppies are awesome.

And it's kind of horrifying, the thought of being married. Because if you get married, you can get divorced. Everyone in my family has been divorced. And I'm not exaggerating. Everyone. So, I have just been around that for my entire life. That marriage isn't a forever thing and is easily thrown away. And I don't want to get divorced so the easiest way to follow through with that is to not get married. So, I guess I'm just in this place in my life right now where I'm fine not getting married and being forever alone because I won't get hurt anymore. And I can be my own person.

I don't even know what this blog post was about...

Dealing with a Breakup

I’m not sure if this is the best medium for this, but I need to get my feelings out to people. I know I have a lot of friends who are also friends with my ex, which may get weird. But I don’t really care and just want people to know my experience and I need to get this out in the open because maybe I’ll feel less like a jerk if people knew what I have been through.

The last 9 months of my life have been a roller coaster. I dated a boy who treated me pretty poorly and it was a rare occasion when I didn’t cry at least once a week because of the things he said to me. I tried to stick through all of it, but in the end, I really couldn’t handle it.

I got really tired of driving 3 hours to Greeley and then another 3 hours back to Pueblo every time I wanted to see him. It was a one-way transportation situation and that was rough. While I was sympathetic with his lack of transportation, I was bitter about having to drive all the time.

I was irritated that after a year of dating, he still knew so little about me. He didn’t know when my birthday was, favorite color, and other general things that you should know about your significant other. I was frustrated that I made an effort to participate in his interest. I went to a hockey game (I hate hockey, you guys. HATE IT), watch his movies, tv shows, etc. while he refused to watch my movies, eat at new restaurants that I wanted to go to. I know it sounds so picky and little, but it hurt me.

The real problems came in January. After much thought, I had decided that I didn’t want to have kids. I want to be able to have my freedom and do what I want to do and focus on my career. Kids are not for me. I respect his decision to want kids, I really do. But the way he handled me feelings was the worst. He belittled my opinions on how difficult it is to raise a child and in the end said that I was going to be one of those people who was married to my career. Considering I took off several days of work so I could see him, this hurt me so much. My family is so important to me and I would never put my career before the people I love.

After months of depression regarding my relationship, I even went to therapy to try to improve it. But it didn’t help. I realized that most of my problems were because of my relationship. So I chose to end it. It was a hard decision. But in the end, I know it needed to happen. I did not need to be possessed by someone who said, “Your goodies are only mine to see.” My body is not a possession of anyone.

Now that it’s been a while, I can look back at the last year and a half and know that I should have ended it sooner because of how I felt. When someone treats you poorly, you should get away from them. I need to push past this experience.

As weird as it is, I needed to delete him off of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, remove his phone number from my phone, and untag him from my pictures. It may be immature and overreacting, but whatevs. And I know it seems immature to spill this out into the open, but it’s how I needed to cope. Judge if you will, but I’m already feeling better. I need to move on from this experience and onto a happier, healthier place. I hope that you all will understand that this post isn't out of spite, but out of slight grief/