I Hate Bars and Last Night

So, I went out with my lovely friends last night and my experience was not okay.

First, I almost puked like 5 minutes after arriving because that's my life.

Then the night got even better.

Why do creepers have to be creepers?

First, I was alone for like 5 minutes and some dude, who was about 5'4, came up to me and wanted me to dance. I said no because you know, I didn't want to. He was not about that game. Dude refused to leave me alone after I told him no several times. I was about to punch him in the penis but he finally left.

Then, I was with my friends when they were taking shots and some dude, probably 35, touched my back (eww) and was all, "Most girls can't pull of short hair, but you can." Dude, go suck your own dick. This guy here is my least favorite person.

But I did learn that white women love the Cupid Shuffle. And that a lot of men cheat on their wives at Cowboys.

But then things got better because my friend Katie got really drunk. Like really drunk.

Some winning quotes from last night:

"Suck it 1997. Because it was a great year!"

"Justin is a pants. Kelsey is silly."

"Marinarna sauce. My hands are bloody."

"Do you want to be in an orphanage for the rest of your life?"

"I hate you because I love Yoda."

"I'm so mad right now. Because I'm in the bathtub."

"We're at Yoda's house."

"Where are we?"

"That's not even an okay question."
"I hate Asians."

"I love the Yoda. I love the Yoda giggles."

"That's my arm but I love you."

"Where's Kelsey? She went missing."

"What do you think of Wyoming?... Well this one time, I went to Wyoming."

"I don't like Yoda. I love Yoda."

Justin: "I see your buttcrack." Katie: "There's a buttcrack in my mouth?"

"I love her, but I love Yoda more."

"Kolbs is my Asian friend."

That was my night, folks. You're welcome for this amazing blog post.

Why Does Society Hate Naked Lena Dunham??????

Why Does Society Hate Naked Lena Dunham??????

I know, I know... I've already posted once this week. But I really wanted to write about this and rant. So, I'm going to.

So I was thinking the other night about how society is totally hating on Lena Dunham and Girls for all the nudity on the show. But when you think about it, Girls shows the same amount of nudity as Game of Thrones, Shameless, The Tudors, and other shows on the fancy tv stations.

But I have never heard of people say, "You know what, those breasts on Game of Thrones tonight just were too much." But it is common for people to say, "Why is Lena walking around naked and showing her bits?" Well ladies and gentlemen, Lena is "showing her bits" because she can and the show is being realistic. She's a twenty-something woman living in New York and walks around in her own apartment nude AND she has sex naked. I know, shocker there.

Spooning in the nude. Scandalous.

So really what society is telling us is that it is only acceptable for women to be nude if they are thin and conventionally attractive. It is also telling us that if you are not thin, you should not be proud enough of your body to put it on display. Well that is not cool. Lena, be nude and flaunt your body because you make me proud of who I am! Seriously, I love watching Girls because I get to see women who look more like myself and behave in really irrational ways.

Last week on Game of Thrones, the Red Witch was bathing nude (duh) and got out of the tub and we saw pretty much everything. That is fine and dandy. But nobody was up in arms about it and nobody will ask at a press conference "Why is there so much nudity?" because naked, thin bodies bother them less.

So I must ask the question: Why does society hate naked Lena Dunham? Well, it's because her body doesn't follow society's guidelines of what is attractive. So really we need to get over it and realize that everyone's body is beautiful and they can do whatever they want with their body.

Rock on Lena, rock on.

Celebrities with Good and Bad Plastic Surgery

I'm all for people getting plastic surgery to look better. Some of you know that I had my nose done, so duh, of course I support it. I think it's safe to say that a good chunk of celebrities have had plastic surgery. Some of them look super duper awesome and natural. But many of them look really bad. Like really bad. Enjoy the list.

Good:

Blake Lively

Blake had her nose done and she looks pretty fab now. I mean, she snatched up Ryan Reynolds so....

Ashley Tisdale

Again with the nose (I'm sensing a theme)

Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer says that she just had her deviated septum fixed but....

George Clooney

Georgie boy said that he got surgery to make his eyes look more awake.

Patrick Dempsey

McDreamy himself made himself more dreamy with a nose job. Errybody getting nose jobs.

Bad:

Pamela Anderson

Why is this necessary, Pam?

Mickey Rourke

Back in the day, Mickey was one of the best looking fellows out there. Then he did that to his face.

Lil' Kim

So, she may be addicted to plastic surgery. Which really isn't funny, but here you go.

Barry Manilow

Just no.

Joan Rivers

The queen of making fun of others probably lacks some self-esteem, which is kind of sad.

Michael Jackson

Of course I have to include to King of Pop/Creep.

Celebrities with Weird Eating Habits

Is this topic weirder than eyebrows? My gut tells me no but my heart tells me yes.

I present to you, celebrities with weird eating habits.

Steve Jobs

Weekly Diet

Mr. Apple himself was a strange dude. I mean, I think we all knew that, but his eating habits were like really weird. Steve would eat only one thing per week. For example, he would eat only carrots for a week and then move on the next week. Because of these weird habits, Steve believed that he didn't have to bathe more than once a week. Um... no.

Renee Zellweger

Ice Cubes

Ms. Squinty face over here snacks on ice cubes. She says that she feels full when she eats the ice cubes. I think she feels full of bull crap. I'm calling your bluff, Bridget Jones.

Stephen King

Cheesecake

I really like this weird eating habit. Before writing, Stephen King eats cheesecake. I think he really just wants to eat cheesecake though. Also, what is up with his face? He has the weirdest face I have ever seen.

Charles Darwin

Rare Animals

Darwin thought natural selection was really just him eating rare animals. "If they can't escape my mouth, they shouldn't be alive," he is NOT quoted saying, but I'm sure he actually said that. HE ATE RARE ANIMALS. WHAT?

Nicolas Cage

Dignified Sex

You read that right. Nicolas Cage only eats animals who have dignified sex. I'm not sure what that means but my co-workers and I decided that it means that the animals must bow to each other before having sex. I think that means that he doesn't eat anything and feeds off the souls of actors who have the guts to work with him. Explains a lot, right?

Celebrities with Doctorates

Although we may think that celebrities are big dummies, some of them are actually super smart. Some of them even earned their doctorates. And because I think that's pretty cool and Alexis told me to write about it, I'm writing about it.

Ken Jeong- M.D.

While playing a pretty weird baby deliverer (scientific term) in Knocked Up, Ken was actually still practicing medicine. Then he was like "Man, I am really funny." and then started slaying the world with his comedic skills.

Mayim Bialik- Neurobiology

Blossom/Amy Farrah Fowler is a genius. It must be easy for her to play Amy because she really is a neuroscientist. Aside from breastfeeding her children until they are older than society says they should be, Mayim rocks her intelligence and wears it on her sleeve. During an interview, she was asked if it's hard to play a smart person and she was all "Um... well I am a neuroscientist so...." #Burn

Shaquille O'Neal- Education

Shaq gets knocked all the time for being stupid and I'm not sure why. He's pretty dang smart. He may not be able to shoot free throws, but he can write one heck of a dissertation!

Brian May- Astrophysics

Not only can this guy write a killer song and play a wicked guitar for the best band ever (Queen), but he can also use really big words and identify space things. He wrote "Survey of Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud" for his dissertation and even has an asteroid named after him.

Kermit- Amphibious Letters

Yep, Kermit has a doctorate from Southhampton College in New York. It's an honorary doctorate, but I thought it was still worth mentioning. Apparently, Kermit has used his celebrity status for the good and has helped people everyone. A puppet has a Ph.D.

Celebrities with Weird Pets

This week's topic: Celebrities with Weird Pets

Obviously this is something that I'm not as passionate about as eyebrows, but I love animals and celebrities, so I'm happy that Alexis chose this topic.

Get ready.

George Clooney

And Max- The Pot Belly Pig

In recent years, this isn't as weird, but he had Max for a long time. He let Max sleep in the same bed as him, something that many women (and men) hoped for. Max died in 2006 and Clooney said he wouldn't get another pig because Max had fulfilled all of his pig needs. I don't know if that's cute or creepy. #Bacon

Tori Spelling

And Coco- The Silkie Bantam Chicken

Why Tori, why? Not only did Tori decide to get this fluffy chicken, but she lets it sleep in her bed (which Dean won't sleep in, because you know, he cheats on her. #TooSoon?) but Tori and Coco also wear matching clothing. That chicken is dressed better than I am.

Mike Tyson

And several tigers

Awww, look how cute that tiger is. Mike's tigers even appeared in The Hangover, so that's cool. But what isn't cool is that he's keeping these tigers in his home. Tigers, you know, the large creatures that can maul your face off because they are wild animals. Mike got a tiger because he wanted to have the tiger riding in the front seat of his car because that would make him look like a baller. His words, not mine.

Josephine Baker

And Chiquita the Cheetah

On the topic of animals that can maul your face... Josephine Baker had a pet cheetah. And she used to walk Chiquita around Paris for funsies. That's weird.

Paris Hilton

And Baby Luv the Kinkajou

I'm not sure which one is weirder, the fact that Paris had a Kinkajou or that she named it Baby Luv. I'll let you figure that out. I mean, yeah... they are adorable, but they are exotic and I think illegal in many places. Apparently Tinkerbell wasn't doing it for her, so she had to get something with the word "kink" in it. Also, in 2006, it bit her. So that's fun.