The Trouble with Flirtation

The Trouble with Flirtation

I know I've written a blog about this before, but hey, here's another one.

I had a conversation with my father recently (Hi Dad. Love you.) about how much I hate men hitting on me. He was very confused by this and I believe many other people (mostly men) are confused about this too.

So I'm gonna lay it out for y'all. Explain why I, and many other women, dislike being hit on by men in many places and in many ways.

There are many problems with men hitting on women. 

It is not a compliment and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Why though? Why do women dislike being told they are good looking and that a man totally sees you as a possible sex partner?

1) Not all women like men.

Men assume that all women are straight and that they are attracted to him. Eww. Not all women are into guys, so you shouldn't assume they are.

2) My presence in public doesn't give you permission to hit on me.

"Oh a woman who is in public! I shall hit on her." No. Stop. Women want to navigate the public sphere safely and easily without barriers and men hitting on them is a barrier.

When you hit on us in public spaces when we are just trying to go about our everyday lives, you assume that you are more important than what we are doing. If I'm going to get food, I really don't want to stop and talk to you because you think I'm hot. I want my food. Because food is better than men. Our time is precious and we really don't want to waste it on you.

Also, men are scary. All men have a capability to hurt women. Yes, #NotAllMen (Stupid hashtag) but all men can hurt women. So we have a right to be wary of you. So don't be upset at us when we don't want to be approached by you, especially when we are alone.

3) Saying "No" is frequently not an option.

We have been taught to be polite and not shoot down flirtation. We have been told to giggle even though we are really uncomfortable. I didn't ask you to come on over and talk to me. I didn't ask you to buy me a drink. I didn't ask you how my breasts looked in that dress. But you're still gonna continue to force me to interact with you.

And when we have the strength to say "no" or even to ignore you, this happens. 

(Online examples, but this happens in public too.)

4) Men think they can do whatever they want

When we tell women to take getting hit on as a compliment, men think that they can get away with anything. That anything they say or do to women is acceptable and appreciated.

5) Personal examples

I was walking to the gym and a stranger who I couldn't see shouted, "Show me your boobs!" Eww. No.

After going on a date with a dude, he continued to text me and I told him that I wasn't interested. So he called me and told me that I was a "bitch." Cool.

Some dude interrupted my workout twice. TWICE. Because he wanted to talk about the book I was reading. Dude, I'm in the zone, getting ripped. Don't interrupt me.

While at a bar, a man approached me and asked if I wanted to dance. I told him that I didn't want to dance and he continued to ask me. So I ignored him. He stood there for probably three minutes before he decided to leave. Thank gosh...

I don't hate men, although it may seem that way. I hate misogynists.

What it comes down to is that if a person isn't indicating that they want to be approached by you, don't approach them and don't hit on them. And if you you do hit on them and she tells you "no" you effing respect that.

Just respect women.

Things That Make Me Unnecessarily Uncomfortable

Things That Make Me Unnecessarily Uncomfortable

I'm weird, I know. And there are some things that make me uncomfortable. Like for other people, political debates at the dinner table, talking about sex, and speaking in public make them feel uncomfortable. But for me, I find those things normal. But things people find normal make me uncomfortable.

Whales

They are terrifying and give me a knot in my stomach just by looking at them. They are so large and that's so scary. Like it could kill me by just looking at me. No thank you. If I ever go on a cruise and see a whale, I'm gonna throw up everywhere and retreat to my room.

Small Dogs

I grew up with large dogs that weighed about 60 lbs, so I'm used to them and I love them. But small dogs are so weird. Like are they even dogs? Or are they cats? If you can pick it up with one hand, is it a dog? Nah, it's not. It's a cat. They are just so annoying. Ugh. Like why are you so small???

The Metal End of Pencils

This has to do with the terrible sound that the metal makes against paper after the eraser is gone. I'm gonna nauseous just thinking about it. Gross. It's terrible. So just because a pencil has the potential to make that sound, I HATE IT.

No Chapstick

Ignore the fact that I'm allergic to most lip balms/chapstick. I hate when I don't have some sort of lip balm on my person. Small panic attacks. Legit. Having chapped lips is a real fear of mine, so the idea of getting chapped lips and not being able to do anything to help them is awful.

New Year's Resolutions that You've Already Failed At

New Year's Resolutions that You've Already Failed At

1) Lose Weight/Get in Shape

By now, you've realized that dieting and going to the gym suck. Like they are terrible. Yes, I want dessert. This salad sucks. I'd rather lay in bed and watch Netflix all day than spend two hours on the treadmill. But it's never too late to start turning your life around. I keep going to the gym. I hate it. So you can keep failing at it until you succeed at it. Woo.

2) Save Money

I once tried to save money. Then I realized that I like to shop and I need that scarf. And that nail polish. And sure, I need another bottle of concealer, even though I have 12 at home.

Right now, your bank account probably looks really sad. Probably because you just paid for tuition and books and life and yeah.

3) Drink Less

Alcohol is full of empty calories. But it's so good. But hey, if you're on the verge of being an alcoholic, you should probably not fail at this one.

4) Talk to your Parents More

Parents are great. They raised you and are probably still raising you, because they are your parents. So wouldn't it be nice to talk to them more? At first, you call them once or twice a week, then you realize that your and their lives are really boring. And then you don't want to talk to them. And they ask you about when you're getting married, why you're single, and when you're moving closer to home. So that's uncomfortable.

5) Read more

John Green is God. But once you read all of his books, what else is there to read? You've read Harry Potter, so that's like it. Harry Potter and John Green. Everything is terrible and you realize that once you start reading again. And reading takes so much time and effort. And I'm good at reading, but what is that word?!!!!!

Why Hitting on People in Everyday Spaces is Not Okay

Why Hitting on People in Everyday Spaces is Not Okay

*Hetero perspective*

Women don't dress for men. We dress for ourselves. We wear makeup for ourselves. Because we want to feel confident and look well when we check ourselves out in the mirror. When I get dressed in the morning, I look in my closet and think about what I want to look like for the day. 

Men don't cross my mind once.

I know I'm not ugly and on a good day, I think I'm cute.

So going out in public is an interesting experience. Many guys look at a woman and if she's attractive, he thinks "She totally wants me to hit on her." No, no we don't. When we go to the store, hit up the gym, grab some dinner, we don't want to be hit on.

Patriarchy has taught men that they own every space. Especially spaces that have masculine stereotypes (the gym!) You don't own spaces and you don't own the people in those spaces. We don't owe you affection just because we are "in your space." When women enter a public space, she is usually doing so for a reason. You know, going to school, getting food, running errands, going to work, or getting exercise. We don't go out into public to get a date.

But at the same time, women are taught, expected, and conditioned to giggle at your flirtations (that really make us uncomfortable) and even give you our number or affection in return. You don't flatter us with your attention. Many times we give you our number because we are terrified of the consequences of not giving you it. You know, violence, harassment, rape. Yeah...

It is worth mentioning that there are women who have been conditioned to think that men's attention is a magical gift and a blessing that is upon them. So when men flirt with them, they are in awe and thankful of your attention. This is another thing we owe to patriarchy. Men are Gods and how lucky to be if they bestow us with their affection.

I would really like to be able to go about my everyday life without having to deal with advances from men. And I really don't need men to flirt with me to have self-confidence. I'm not flattered by your attention. Like "OMG, a man noticed me! I exist! I matter." No. Women are not worthy only if you recognize us for our outer appearance.

Men feel like they can approach all women and begin hitting on them. However, not all women are straight. So that's another problem. And many of those women are not going to out themselves to try and avoid your advances.


How to Flirt with a Woman in Public

1. If she has headphones in, don't bother her.
2. Smile at her, if she smiles back, initiate polite conversation.
3. If she sounds/looks uncomfortable, respect it.
4. Understand that men harm women in public spaces.
5. Instead of asking for her phone number, offer to give her your number.
1. If she's interested, she'll text you.
2. This is less threatening because women get harassed through text frequently.

Men's Unrealistic and Not Okay Expectations of Women

Men's Unrealistic and Not Okay Expectations of Women

As a society, we care a lot about women's appearance and their behaviors. We expect them to do certain things to be appealing to men. And that's really messed up. 

Hetero perspective up in here.

1) No Body Hair

Really, this is more regarding pubic hair, leg hair, armpit hair and facial hair. When men say they prefer to have women not have hair on the vajayjay, I'm like "Do you like feeling like you're having sex with a 10 year old girl?" Like that's not okay. Pubic hair is normal. It protects the vadge from bacteria. And waxing feels like your getting murdered in your downstairs area. As far as leg hair goes, why does society tell women that leg hair isn't feminine? It's a pain to shave my legs often and I hate it. Society is messed up. Ugh.

2) We're Good Cooks

(Why is there a baby in a pot? Don't cook babies, please. That's messed up.)

For some odd reason, a lot of men think that women should be good cooks. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm not a great cook. I wasn't raised to focus on my culinary skills. Yeah, my parents were cool and taught me how to fend for myself and cook basic meals, but they were more focused on raising a good human being. So don't expect women to 1) be good cooks, 2) like to cook, 3) and be the chef in your relationship.

3) We Suck Your Dick

(Sorry family)

We're not here to have sex with you. 

If we want to have sex with you, awesome. Love it. Do it. Consensually. But we don't owe you sex and if we don't want to have sex with you, then you have to be cool with that. (Ladies, you too.) 

And during sex, we don't have to suck your dick unless we want to.

4) Have a Certain Body Type

All about that bass? Or about that treble? As a woman, I'm expected to have curves in some places but not others. Supposed to have great legs, great butt, and perfect breasts. That's not a thing. In the real world, you're not gonna get a woman (let alone, a person) who fits your idea of a perfect looking person. So love what you have. See each person for who they are, a beautiful human being.

What I Learned in 2014

What I Learned in 2014

Okay, so this is a little early, but I don't really care because I'm gonna be in New York at the end of 2014, and I won't care about my blog. Holllllller.

1) I'm okay being single.

I spent a majority of 2014 in relationships and these last few months have kind of been glorious. I've gotten to know myself better and really focus on me. I'm super awkward, a wannabe hippie, a secret fashion lover, and someone who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. And I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy and I also don't need to be in a relationship to have fun.

2) I love but also hate my body.

Since August, I've lost about 13 lbs, so that's cool. And my body looks so different than a few months ago. And my confidence has been raised. So yay. But I also hate my body because of all its stupid health problems. Like get your act together, body. Stop trying to kill me.

3) Haters gonna hate.

I have some major haters (mostly at work.) I think they hate my peppy attitude and the fact that I don't let them get away with stupid things "just because we've done it like that before." So I've learned to accept that haters gonna hate (and potatoes gonna potate.) I can't do anything about their attitude towards me, so they aren't worth my energy.

4) How to do eyeliner.

This is huge. I finally know how to apply eyeliner and make it look not awful.

5) Men are strange beings.

I knew this before 2014, but I super figured it out this year. Like men will do whatever they want, whenever they want. And most men in their mid-20s have no idea what they want in life. It's super frustrating to be this age and try to date within my own age range because the men my age don't know what they want to do as a career, if they want children, where they want to live. Society tells men that they don't have to decide those things yet but women have to decide very early on. I think mostly because everyone feels like our eggs will be wasted if we don't figure out our lives ASAP.

6) America hates people who aren't 

cisgendered, white, male, straight, Christian, able-bodied, etc.

The most recent election showed me that America really wants to vote people (mostly white men) into office who are anti-choice and pretty much hate people who aren't like them. That's just rude. And then with this Ferguson crap happening, a lot of people are happy with the outcome and that disgusts me. Y'all are mean.

Things I Don't Understand About Women

Things I Don't Understand About Women

Yo. I'm a woman. *shocker* But I really don't understand women. Like we're really confusing people. We're not naturally confusing, society just teaches us to behave in certain ways that make us confusing. So society is all "Hey ladies, you should probably act really irrational," so we do. 

Here are some things I don't understand and will never understand about women.

1) We're really insecure

I think this is where a lot of our problems come from. We're taught to not accept compliments and critique our bodies, intelligence, and personality. Ladies, own those compliments. You're beautiful and probably really smart. And your personality may be awesome. And if it's not, work on that.

We're self-conscious about our bodies during sex (turn those lights off, you'll see my cellulite) and are so worried about losing our partner that we act really differently.

2) We can be possessive of our partner (or our casual hook-up)

This one has really bothered me recently because I don't get it. Your partner does not belong to you. They don't owe you anything except to treat you with respect.

And if we're dealing with a casual hookup, they really don't owe you anything. They can talk to other people. They don't have to text you all the time. Like stop it. Get over it. They have their own life. If you want them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, then frickin' let them know. If not, then let them be their own person.

3) We don't communicate

This has a lot to do with what society teaches us. We're taught not to be direct and ask for what we want. This bothers me so much. People aren't mind readers. If you want something, ask for it. It's not that hard. Want to date someone? Ask them out. Want to have sex with someone? Ask them. Want to go to that new restaurant? Tell them. Don't make them guess and when they don't do what you want, you get mad at them. Because that's not cool. 

If you didn't communicate it, then you have zero right to be upset when they don't do what you want.

Women, am I right?

Let's start realizing that society teaches us to be really irrational people and change that. Because women, we're better than that. We can push babies out of our bodies. And run a company. No man can do that.